Quitcherbitchin'
by ominousvoicegurl
Summary: Two ex-turks and a chocobo trainer meet up with Cloud and co. to defeat Shinra. Different version of the game. T for excessive swearing and violence!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, this is my first fanfic! The very beginning got deleted, so here is a QUICK INTRO THAT EVERYONE SHOULD READ! Laaien (who fights with an axe) is a bad mouthed, incredibly beautiful woman with _major_ mental issues. Sandra (who fights with metal claws and poison) is the more quiet and thoughtful of the two, but gets depressed and tends to isolate herself. These two escaped from the Turks after realizing they'd been doing the wrong thing for years, and in their flight meet up with Cloud and Crew at Aeris' church. There's a battle where Laaien and Sandra join them against the Shinra, and they decide to continue in their journey together.A few days later around Kalmthey run into a chocobo trainer and archer, Chitori (called Chi), who also joins them after Cloud saves her life. She donates her chocobos to the cause, and they begin their journey!**

**This scene starts when they're trying to figure out chocobo arrangements...and it seems Laaien has to ride with Cid. She isn't too happy about it.**

**Chapter 1**

Laaien's eyes widened. "HELL no. I'd rather walk. Better yet, YOU can walk." She glared at Cid.

"You wouldn't leave me out alone, walking, only to be eaten by the Midgar Zolom while you and the rest of the crew make it safely across..."

"Of COURSE I would. Don't get my hopes up when you say you'll be eaten." Laaien's eyes twitched.

Cid put one hand on his waist, which made him look ridiculously gay.

"Quitcherbitchin', lady, 'cause you're stuck with me, no matter what." At that, Cloud walked in, followed by Barret on an unusually large Chocobo.

"Laaien, I see you're awake," he said to her, though looking at Cid holding their Chocobo by its reins, "And I suppose Cid's told you you'll be sharing a Chocobo with him..."

"I AM NOT BITCHING!" Laaien yelled. "And if I DO bitch, it's because I have good reason." Cid seemed to shrink as Laaien yelled at him. Cloud calmly observed their continuing feud.

"Er... If you two could stop arguing for one second and just deal with the fact you have to share a chocobo we could be well on our way..." Chi shook her head.

"You two, now look what you've done!" she gestured at the quivering chocobo. "You know, that's the one you were going to share." Laaien glared at Chi this time.

"Well, you know that poor chocobo has never had anything as foul as Cid's ass on it before..." she muttered. Cid glared at Laaien, wishing he could come up with an equally rude comeback, but instead he, with Chi's help, mounted the chocobo.

Cloud looked at Laaien and sighed, "Get on, Laaien; we don't have much time to spare. God knows the world could end while we're waiting for you to make peace with Cid, so just deal with it. Next time we'll find you a more suitable riding partner." He shook his head, not understanding why the redhead needed to argue with Cid about everything.

* * *

That day the team was able to travel through the marshes and up to the Mythril Mines, where they set up camp. It was late at night but everyone seemed a bit restless, discussing their past, and finding out that they all had one thing in common: hate for the Shinra.

Chi was tending to the chocobos as Cloud was ranting about future plans about overthrowing the Shinra and stopping Sephiroth before he went too far. Almost everyone pitched in their two cents. Everyone other than Laaien, who was peacefully sleeping with her head in Cid's lap.

The pilot only seemed content about it, and occasionally stroked her hair while smoking his sixteenth fag of the day. Laaien half smiled, then opened her eyes. The smile vanished instantly, and her eyes widened.

"HOLY SHIT, YOU FUCKING PERV!" She scrambled away. Chi smiled.

"Your window of opportunity has vanished, Cid." Someone snickered, and Laaien rolled her eyes. While most of the group exploded in roaring laughter, Sandra just smiled to herself, and Red, who had been resting his head on her lap, though consciously, looked up at the scene Laaien made.

He then went back and purred softly, "I don't see why you humans need to resort to profanity, or make a sick joke out of everything."

The blonde ex-Turk just shrugged, "Not all of us are like that."

* * *

Chi and Laaien sat quietly just inside the mine discussing battle tactics. Cid sat down by Laaien, and she stood up.

"I'm going back to the rest, to sleep...by myself." she added, looking down her nose at Cid. She stepped into the shadows, and suddenly a dark figure came up behind her and held a gun to her head.

"Nobody make a sound..." it ordered, twisting Laaien's arm almost out of its socket.

Sandra, who was still awake, and staring at the diminishing flames from the shadows, heard the voice, and followed it instinctively. Her eyes, accustomed to the darkness, saw a figure by Laaien. She quietly snuck up to the opponent and swiftly disarmed them. Whoever it was that grabbed Laaien now tackled Sandra and latched onto her.

"How DARE you?" a shrill woman's voice yelled out as Sandra felt her hair being pulled... painfully.

Laaien's injured shoulder knocked painfully against Cid, and her face turned ashen as she bit back the pain.

"Always me..." She muttered as she slid to the ground; Cid was too shocked to do much. Chi reached for her bow and arrows. As Laaien fell to the ground Cid quickly went down on his knees, and hoisted her unconscious self up next to him, stroking her red hair.

He whispered to her, "It's gonna be cool, it's all gonna be so cool, bitch..." His voice was shaking with tension and fear. Sandra struggled to get her obnoxious opponent off of her, and cast a quick fire spell back into the flames to get more light in order to see who the hell the mystery woman was.

As the flames lit up, vague feminine features in a familiar Turk uniform lit up. She was slender, with short blonde hair.

"All right missy, nobody messes with the Turks!" her piercing grey eyes thinned.

Chi took careful aim at the woman's head, and prepared to loose the arrow. Just as she was about let the arrow fly something banged into her leg, and the arrow simply grazed the woman's cheek.

"That could have been her throat..." She looked down to see what had knocked into her. This seemed to scare the woman off, for she suddenly turned and ran. Everyone was too shocked to do anything.

* * *

Laaien sputtered awake in the wake of the phoenix down. "You know, I am fucking tired of this happening. I am cursed. Really, I think I am..." She struggled to her feet, and the few people who saw her face were startled to see tears running from her eyes. She headed away from them, her shoulder setting her off balance a bit.

Cid reached out trying to stop her, hoping to give her the comfort she needed, but Sandra held him back.

"Let her go, it's best to leave her alone when she's like this." Cid leaned back and grunted, taking the pack of cigarettes from his goggles and lighting up.

Laaien avoided Cid all day, which annoyed him, and prompted-"How is Laaien like a chocobo?" Which, though a rhetorical question, Laaien answered.

"Because I have a long neck, big front, and like to be ridden by two people at once?" she said sarcastically, which managed to shut him up for the moment.

Chi fell over laughing.

Red XIII, yet again was displeased by the redhead's sick humor, and as he was about to make a comment to Sandra, who seemed to keep him good company, he sniffed the air suspiciously.His ears twitched.

"Someone's coming..." he let out a low growl.

Cloud quickly unsheathed his sword, braced for attack, though his preparations proved quite useless as three Turks, two men and a woman who they recognized from last night, walked out onto a ledge from a tunnel on one of the higher levels of the mine.

The tall, bald man up front spoke wearing a smile on his long face, "Laaien...Sandra...so sorry to see you've left the Shinra only to team up with these losers..."

Laaien's nose flared. "I have my own ideas who the losers are here. And only one of them is in this group." Cid had a suspicious feeling she was talking about him. Chitori took out her bow and nocked an arrow, though she kept it pointed at the ground.

Sandra glared at the bald man, "Nice to see you too, Rude... Tseng... and whoever the hell your new bitch is." For the first time since quitting the Shinra she slid on her steel claws.

"That's ELENA, miz Wolverine!" the woman with short blonde hair called out to her, "And if you don't mind, I'd like my gun back." she scowled.

The other man in the group stepped forward, "Keep your personal issues out of the way, Elena. Let me and Rude show you how it's done. Now you two," he pointed to Sandra and Laaien, "You two know too much to be with Avalanche, it's too risky for the Shinra, I'm afraid we'll have to execute you..." With that, he and Rude pulled out machine guns and fired away at the ex-Turks.

Cid jumped forward, and knocked Laaien to the ground, out of harm's way. Laaien tried to push him off, and she realized that it was far easier then it would have been if Cid was consciously on top of her. His face was oddly slack, and the cigarette fell out of his mouth. That was a definite sign that something was wrong.

All of this happened in the space of a few seconds, and she stood up, scared; not for herself, but for Cid. This was an interesting change of events, and she used her good shoulder to hoist her axe off of her back.

They kept shooting, though it seemed as though they were slowing down, waiting for the dust they had stirred up to settle to see if they were dead yet. Laaien choked slightly on the dust, and she heard people around her doing the same.

Sandra was barely able to dodge the shots as Rude started firing at her, she jumped out of the way and under the ledge on which they stood for protection. Barret started unloading his gun-arm at the Turks at almost the same time that they tried to ice Sandra and Laaien.

Cloud, Red, and Aeris began casting spells to drive the Turks away considering none of them had long-range weapons. Elena was the first to run, while Rude and his partner stayed and fought with magick after they were out of ammo.

Sandra was able to crawl out from under the ledge and cast a few Bio spells on them before they decided that fighting was futile and Avalanche would not give up. The Turks left without a word.

Chitori shook her head. "And they thought we were losers..." She walked around, picking up the remaining useable arrows, several of which were bloodstained. She cleaned them carefully on some moss and replaced them in her quiver. Aeris had gone to check on Cid and Laaien. Chi joined her.

"I can't believe he took that for you after the way you treated him."

"I don't believe it either," Laaien answered, her voice choked. "He's not a complete motherfucker after all." From her, it was extravagant praise.

Eventually, the whole group gathered around theonly major casualtyof the day as he lay with theAncient by his side trying to heal the bullet wound.

Barret shook his head, "That damn mofo! I'd neva' have expected 'im to do such a thing."

Sandra sat down next to Laaien, "Hey, you all right after that?"

Laaien looked at Sandra as though she was in shock. "Honestly...I don't know." Chi looked up.

"He'll live," she said.Laaien shook her head.

"Damn..." she muttered under her breath, though halfheartedly.

Sandra chuckled quietly, "You know, you can't be too hard on him after he risked his life saving yours..."

"I know, I know..." Laaien burst into tears. "Why was he so stupid...to take the bullet for me?"

"Your charm," Chi answered absent mindedly. "Pure charm..."

Sandra shook her head, "He obviously digs you!" She lightly shook Laaien, "Love makes people do stupid things..." She sighed.

Cid suddenly stirred awake, the first thing he noticed was how much colder he was, "Holy SHIT!" he exclaimed sitting up, and breathing sharply, "I'm still alive?..." he looked down, "why the FUCK am I shirtless!"

Red XIII covered his head with his paws, lying on the ground. "Could you keep it down?" he growled, "I was trying to get some rest..."

"You were shot in the side," Aeris responded patronizingly. "Now be good and lie down again...you can't just go running off right after you wake up from being shot. Despite what some people may tell you."

Laaien threw herself on Cid, sobbing. "Nobody's ever done that for me before!" Someone snorted.

Cid coughed, in pain, surprised, and most of all happy to have Laaien finally appreciate him.

"I must be dead... or delirious..." he muttered to himself. Laaien slapped his face.

"Better?" she asked.Aeris sighed.

Cid came back to his senses, "Thanks, bitch." he grinned, showing off teeth yellowed from years of smoking. Laaien wrinkled her nose.

"Pleasant. Really pleasant."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Laaien supported Cid as they were going through the parade, though Cid didn't really need it, he kept it to himself. Every once in awhile he would wince and she would stop, a worried expression her face. Cid was enjoying himself immensely.

"So, what exactly are we going to do here?" Laaien asked, shooting Cid a concerned look. "Should we rest or something?" Cid shook his head, and a look of long suffering came across his face. "No, I will bear through it...The pain isn't that bad..." Behind Laaien's back, Chi and Aeris suppressed laughter.

"So...when are we going to tell her that he's completely healed?" Chi muttered.

Cloud didn't feel too happy to be walking in the familiar Shinra uniform again, though he didn't worry too much. Rows upon rows of identically dressed soldiers walked through the main streets of Junon, and people everywhere cheered, enjoying themselves in the celebration of the arrival of the new Shinra president, Rufus.

When AVALANCHE's group of "Soldiers" got to the docks, they were all greeted individually by Rufus, Sandra and Laaien were thankful that the helmets hid their faces, because they'd be in serious trouble if they were to be recognized. After the ceremony was through, AVALANCHE boarded the Shinra cargo ship and were on their way to Costa del Sol.

During the voyage, Cid would lean over the side of the ship every now and then and throw up, though he was a pilot and used to being in motion through the worst turbulence, being out at sea made him sick to the stomach.

Chi took Laaien to the side. "So...why are you being so nice to Cid all of a sudden?" Laaien sighed.

"Well, in short, it's because I feel indebted to him, it's not everyone who saves your life, and it showed me that he actually does care. Either that, or he just wants me so he can get laid later. Whichever way it's a show of bravery, one is just more romantic than the other." She stared out over the sea and Chi nodded.

"But you know, he was completely healed that whole time." Laaien's eyes widened.

"That fucking BASTARD!" She murmured, not too loud so that she wouldn't draw attention to herself. She stormed off in Cid's direction. She had an expression of indignation on her face.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were fine that WHOLE FUCKING TIME? I don't LIKE being sweet and caring, it's just not in my nature. This doesn't help you know." Cid gurgled unhappily. Laaien looked as though she were going through a painful internal struggle. In the end the rather pathetic looking Cid wore her down. She hugged him, though she squeezed a bit tighter then she normally would have. Cid winced and smiled at the same time, the result being rather grotesque. It was a good thing Laaien wasn't looking at his face.

The whole time Red XIII was dressed as a Shinra soldier, he was forced to walk on his hind legs and looked rather silly, surprisingly enough no one paid much attention. Cloud and Aeris took off to one of the masts and looked out at the sea together.

Barret, as a change, wore a sailor's outfit which made him look ridiculous - like a bear wearing a marshmallow. He was listening in to the conversation between Rufus and Heidegger, still discussing about how AVALANCHE had to be stopped, along with Sephiroth.

Cid and Laaien emerged from one of the cargo holds as the ship stopped and met up with the others. Cid was looking very pleased with himself, and even Laaien was half smiling, though she tried to hide it. Aeris and Cloud came down from the mast, they too looked rather pleased with themselves. Most of the people who weren't looking pleased with themselves were rolling their eyes. Laaien coughed. "Er, right, so I suppose we need to get off now..." Chi glanced at Cid. "You know, your shirt's on backwards..." Red XIII sighed.

Cloud coughed, and lead the way to the stairs down to the cargo rooms, which were apparently the only way to get off a cargo ship. AVALANCHE followed the silent ex-soldier, but something stopped them at the bottom of the stairs. The guard in front of the high-security cargo room was dead, lying in a puddle of his own blood. Aeris looked away, revolted. Barret crept closer to the figure on the floor and kicked it lightly, "'e's dead, all right..."

Aeris whimpered, "Who could have possibly done this..?"

Cloud shook his head, "Sephiroth..." he cautiously tried to open the door the Soldier was guarding, it was unlocked.

Laaien kicked the soldier aside and stepped in. Her eyes widened. "What the fucking HELL!" She realized that her eyes had been widening a lot lately. Cid wondered what she had been taking. Whatever it was, he wanted some of it. Then he saw what she saw, and his eyes widened too.

The rest of AVALANCHE walked into the storage room to see a creature whose grotesque features were beyond words, it was the body of a woman, encompassed in a mass of flesh that gave it a snail-like bottom. It had wings, and a tail, and a number of tentacles to add to the frightening features.

"What the hell is it!" Sandra shivered as the creature before her moved rather gracefully in comparison to its features. It was moving closer towards the group, Aeris trembled and nearly fainted. She fought to regain her footing on the slippery floor, covered with blood and the slime the creature left behind.

Chitori stepped back a pace automatically upon seeing the hideously ugly...thing. She steadied Aeris slightly as it began to attack and unslung her bow, which she had strapped to her back. Stringing it in a practiced motion, she nocked an arrow. Her first two shots glanced off the sides of the ship; the creature was swaying from side to side, which made aiming difficult.

"I--"

"--will"

"'--get you--" she muttered, narrowing her lavender-grey eyes. Immediately after she shot and it was evaded, she pulled out one of the throwing daggers Laaien was teaching her to use. The knife sailed through the air and thudded quite satisfyingly on impact with their opponent. "Ha," she muttered, but immediately had to duck to avoid one of the tentacles. It lashed back at her and she was forced to roll on the deck. She ran back out of immediate range and resumed shooting. "--Wish I had a crossbow," the gypsy-chocobo-trainer murmured.

Chi's eyes automatically checked for anyone hurt, luckily she and Aeris were not needed...yet.

Sandra was tired, but she managed to run up to the creature and slash it madly a couple of times before having to run back as its tail or tentacles tried to hit her. She then decided to use spells such at her signature Bio spell, which poisoned the grotesque figure in front of them, and made it turn a ghastly green.

Red XIII stuck to his fire spells, unable to get close to the hideous creature without being afraid that it would hurt him with one of its tentacles.

Cid stuck to jabbing it at its sides with his eight-foot javelin, the creature was getting more and more irritated at the group of people who were trying to bring it down.

It raised its sickly, slimy tail, and a red laser shot out of it, it had aimed for the whole group, but everyone except for Barret and Aeris were able to dodge the red light.

It hit Aeris square in the forehead, whereas the man with the gun-arm was left with a mere burn. Aeris stumbled and fell backwards, her body limp. Cloud's eyes widened. Cid resolved to ask them where they were getting that stuff. "AERIS!"

He ran toward her, and Jenova whipped him with a tentacle. Laaien rushed forward with a flaming axe, roaring a battle cry as she swung. She couldn't tell if she had hit, she was thrown backwards as one of the tentacles collided with her stomach.

Sandra got up the courage to run back up to the tentacled creature once more, and slashed at the tentacle that had hit her partner with a mad rage. The head that rest upon the somewhat feminine body let out a cry of pain. Cid decided that it was his priority to get Laaien out of harm's way, and dragged her off to the side where Chitori or whoever else had a restore materia equipped could cure her.

Cloud crouched next to Aeris's lifeless body, how could it be that she was killed with just one shot? He sobbed, but the wail the creature let out reminded him now was not the time to mourn, and he instead decided to fight the monstrosity that was in the middle of the storage room.

Chitori struggled not to cry as she saw the red beam hit Aeris. "No...not Aeris.." she ducked a tentacle and scrubbed at her eyes. It back lashed again, and in pure reflex Chitori's arms clamped around it. She stabbed it viciously with another knife as it tried to wrap around her. "Pull yourself together!" she hissed at Cloud. The group needed all of the fighters they could get. She was flung backwards as the tentacle she had been grappling with recoiled. Chi focused. Her arrows smoldered, matching her eyes. She leaped to one side, aimed and fired. The flaming arrow was quickly followed by two others, which impacted with a bubbling hiss. "Take that…" she commented. Cid really wondered where they were all getting this stuff.

Laaien's vision popped in and out of focus as she stumbled forward, slamming her battleaxe into the bubbling mass created by the flaming arrows. One of the remaining tentacles aimed for Sandra and picked her up. Sandra had still not paid much attention  
to the deceased Aeris lying close to the entrance to the storage room. The tentacle felt absolutely hideous against her skin, and seemed to poison her in return for the Bio spell she cast earlier, Sandra felt like vomiting, but instead, she managed to get one of her arms free and slashed another tentacle into small strips.

The fire lion violently pounced at the monster, it was easy to see the mass was getting weaker. Barret unloaded another round of ammo from his gun arm, yelling in rage. Cloud got his heavy sword up off the floor and slashed mercilessly at the creature's body. Everyone who could was fighting in close combat, until whatever it was, was reduced to a mere puddle of slime.

Laaien stumbled back, and was caught by the wall. She started laughing hysterically, and tried to bring herself under control as the laughter changed to tears and back again. "That thing was so fucking UGLY!" She managed to gasp.

She suddenly turned serious as she remembered Aeris, and scrambled over to where she lay. There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at each other, unsure of what to do.

"Is it dead?" Laaien asked.

"No..." Cid replied sarcastically, "She's just sleeping." Laaien game him a patronizing look and bent over her.

"I know," she said, "Cid, breathe on her face, that horrid stench is enough to wake the dead."

"This isn't the time for jokes, Laaien." Chi said quietly. Laaien looked horrified.

"Who said I was joking?" Only Cloud seemed to be moving, sobbing. Tears were falling down almost everyone's face. Laaien poked her. Nothing happened. She shook her a bit, and suddenly Aeris twitched, and choked.

**A/N: Please review! Next we find out if Aeris is really okay!**


End file.
